[Mrs Willy]

Thinking about it GB, a pickled gherkin is better than a cucumber in every scenario i can think of.. romantic or not..

Make sure the pickled gherkin comes from a jar that has pics of german buxom wenches on it holding sausages and steins of beer.

You should be able to purchase these from your local spar. If you cant, you are well within your rights to headbutt the person on the till, to express your disgust in them not having them in stock.

Good luck GB and i hope your truncheon gets a good polish for your very knowledgeable efforts.

[mellowed]

Im gonna pick this up for now if ya dont mind mrs willy
Im feeling the love and think i have locked away in my head somewhere, a little bit of advise. If not then it's probably abuse

[Mrs Willy]

Im gonna pick this up for now if ya dont mind mrs willy
Im feeling the love and think i have locked away in my head somewhere, a little bit of advise. If not then it's probably abuse

 

Of course mellowed. the seat is yours.

 

I will kick off preceedings with a true story.

 

So monday im in work and by 12pm sitting my flabby cheeks on a pvc office chair. Things get wiffy. i see it out but wonder why , as i had showered in morning and brut 33 on, david beckham talc on knackers etc.

Turns out that what i thought was a fart in the car on the way into work , was a little soft poop. When i got home, my leapord pattern y fronts looked like id sat on a yorkie for 8 hrs.

 

So my question is this...

 

Is there an iphone adaptor that can sense what is a shit or fart? I feel as though i am losing my touch as i approach mid 40s. Before i hit 40 i never really had an error. It was all natural and i didnt have to question it.  I knew it was a fart before i ejected it and on the rare occasion that i got it wrong, i knew immediately and recognised the wet patch. So how i can stop shittin mesen using an iphone i guess is the question.

 

Another one while im here mellowed....

Do you agree that katie hopkins is the only women alive today that all men on the planet would not shag. and would rather slap her in the chops with a medium sized farmed salmon? I dont like her and would wee in her ear if i saw her on a bus.

[mellowed]

So your first problem is that your getting old and things get saggy and slack.
I would prescribe a good sesh each day clenching ya anus to rebuild some of the lost muscle and tighten it back up a bit. Also stop being so excepting all the time. Try being the giver instead of the taker.

Swilly wrote.
Is there an iphone adaptor that can sense what is a shit or fart? I feel as though i am losing my touch as i approach mid 40s. Before i hit 40 i never really had an error. It was all natural and i didnt have to question it. I knew it was a fart before i ejected it and on the rare occasion that i got it wrong, i knew immediately and recognised the wet patch. So how i can stop shittin mesen using an iphone i guess is the question.

Now im onto this question above.
i can not find such an app on android. Iphone maybe but i aint got the phone. An dont want one. So we are gonna have to go down my fav route. DIY
you could go down the route of using a raspberry pi and mount a sliding switch about 2inch in lenth onto it. Also a small little device to gently send an electric shock to ya knackers once the switch it pressed. Insert switch only up anus. This will also save wear on the inside of ya pants an save staining while you do the training if you wear it like a sanitry towel. You could run a lead from the pi to the switch but i see problems with that an stealth. Plug into iphone for power which will tucked into you back pocket.
If its a shit then the switch gets hit an a tingle on ya dick. Dont let it out.
If ya feeling like a fart with no tingle then ya good to go.


Swilly also wrote.
Another one while im here mellowed....
Do you agree that katie hopkins is the only women alive today that all men on the planet would not shag. and would rather slap her in the chops with a medium sized farmed salmon? I dont like her and would wee in her ear if i saw her on a bus.

I wouldnt know this woman if i tripped her up at a bus stop but i have heard the name from a few folks and the accompanying words are never very flattering so i would have to agree with you on that. But not with a medium sized farmed salmon. There tiny. A big fuck off tuna would be more suited.





I hope my words help you heal from the bad luck that has crossed your path mrs willy. Erm sorry. Mr swilly. Be the man.

[Spike]

Hi mellowed, where the fuck have you been?

[mellowed]

Hi mellowed, where the fuck have you been?

Ive been no where and everywhere mate :)

[Budgie]

@mellowed, due to a shortage of bog roll and handy tea towels I have developed a clinging shituation involving tag nuts and bum fluff.

 

What would be the best way to remove them, painlessly while preserving as much hair as possible and at the same time not inflaming my emmaroids?

[Forest]

the voices in side my head told me to come talk to you mellowed !

[mellowed]

@mellowed, due to a shortage of bog roll and handy tea towels I have developed a clinging shituation involving tag nuts and bum fluff.

What would be the best way to remove them, painlessly while preserving as much hair as possible and at the same time not inflaming my emmaroids?

Danm gb this is bad.
all i can see is you trying to shave ya arse crack in the mirror. An ive just had my breakfast.

so give it a shave. Go the sexy route an get ya fella involved. All them sharp edges an creases could get messy if ya try yaself tbh butt he could help.

Or a few drops of ph down from a dripper down the cheeks would help to dissolve them but could take a while an involve a few topups over a week.

[mellowed]

the voices in side my head told me to come talk to you mellowed !

Ow no forest
Firstly the voices are back are they?
An they are telling you to talk to me?

Why would they do that.

Ask the middle voice what time it is in japan for me then ask the last voice what his preference of pea is please.
Tah. Tell them i miss them and its been to long.