[KiefKat]

There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to have sex with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logicalarrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!

[KiefKat]

An old farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this advice religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[KiefKat]

Two  women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. 

When I said  white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for  30 minutes.  

I  think they were those Hovis Witnesses

[KiefKat]

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said,

"I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300."

The husband asked, "What would mine go for?"

The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free."

The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000."

"How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied,

"That was where they were holding the auction."

[KiefKat]

One day while driving in a thunderstorm, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery.

 

A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night.

 

The motorist accepted.

 

That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips.

 

He decided to compliment the chef.

 

Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"

 

"No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

[KiefKat]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

 

[KiefKat]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

 

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

 

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

 

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

 

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

 

The pastor hollered out "GRACE."

 

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

 

The pastor said "POWER."

 

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

 

The Pastor said "SEX."

 

The congregation fell into total silence.

 

Everyone was in shock.

 

They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

 

Then all of a sudden, from way in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES." 

[KiefKat]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. 

 

Paddy ordered a whisky. 

 

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. 

 

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" 

 

Paddy handed his drink back and said 

 

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!" 

[KiefKat]

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation as no one wants him to leave because he is so   popular.

 

Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

 

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

 

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.

 

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?" Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F**k him.

 

[KiefKat]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. 

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. 

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. 

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." 

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. 

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. 

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" 

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" 

He said, "I want 5 loaves." 

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." 

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but  me