[hazed bunny]

North Korea's leader has executed more than 70 officials,
He needs to explain why his barber is still alive!!.. 

[hazed bunny]

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist!!.. 

[hazed bunny]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in the divorce courts.
The judge, talking to Mickey as he gave evidence, said, "i don't see that your wife having buck teeth is any grounds for a divorce Mr Mouse?"
Mickey turns to the judge, "I didn't say she had buck teeth your Honour, I said she was fucking Goofy."

[hazed bunny]

All Swedish sailors & their fleet are now fitted with barcodes , so on return the govournment can,,,,
Scandinavian!! 

[10outta10]

Let me tell u a joke a out butter

Just dont Spread it!

[KiefKat]

It was a busy day in Heaven, and St. Peter decided in order to make things go more smoothly he'd only let the people that had REALLY bad causes of death inside. So he walked up to the first person and asked him about the day he died.

"Oh, it was awful!" he said.

"I thought for sure my wife was cheating on me, so I decided to come home from work early and catch her in the act. I walked into my apartment on the 25th floor and searched high and low for the man I was sure was shagging my wife. I was relieved to find no one there except my wife and decided to go out onto my balcony and smoke a cigarette. As I stood there, I looked down and saw two sets of a mans fingers holding on for dear life to the outer edge of the patio floor. I immediately ran into my apartment and grabbed a hammer, ran out to the balcony and started to smash those digits until he let go! Finally, the man fell to the ground below but was saved by a huge bush. This completely enraged me, so I ran back into my place, ripped the refrigerator from the wall and pushed it out to the patio. I managed to get it over the railing when all of a sudden my heart gave out and I died!"

St. Peter looked at the man and said "That's pretty bad, go on through!"

He walks up to the next person and ask about the day he died.

"Oh, it was TERRIBLE! I was doing some aerobics on my 26th floor apartment balcony when I tripped and fell over the railing. I managed to catch the balcony below mine and save myself when all of a sudden this maniac came out and began hitting me on my fingers! Of course I fell to the ground but escaped death a second time by landing on a bush that broke my fall. I was so relieved to be alive! Then, just as I looked up I saw a refrigerator coming straight for me and it landed on me and I died! "

" That's pretty bad sir, go on in! " St. Peter said while thinking about how interesting this day was becoming. He then walked up to the next man in line and asks him to tell him about the day he died. The man replied,

"Ok, picture this.. I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator.."

[KiefKat]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

I'm now banned from Tesco's

[Anonymiss]

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?

Spoiler

Because Ken always came in a different box.

[mrsDeeks]

A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much?"

 

The Hooker replies, "$500 for a hand-job." The guy's jaw drops: "$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

 

The hooker says, "Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?"

 

"Yes."

 

"And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

 

The Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."

 

"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that." The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

 

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

 

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

 

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

 

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

[mrsDeeks]