So it's Wed 14th March, Mrs Dude is going away for a few days and I've not much work to do at home (paint 5 doors), I'm really looking forward to getting smashed every night without the "your vaping/drinking too much again!"
I drop her at the station then pick up 3 nice bottles of Shiraz on my way back home.
Out comes the mini roller and bash, bash bosh the doors are done and its only lunchtime.
I load the vape and decide to have a pee, after peeing I feel really nauseous, I kneel down next to bog and throw up really violently, then repeat but nothing comes out, I haven't vomited for years so its a bit of a shock.
Then these horrible stomach cramps start and I'm rolling around the floor in agony, after 5 mins I crawl to the bedroom and lie on the bed waiting for the cramps to ease, they don't.
I can barely breathe with the pain and after another half hour I crawl/fall downstairs and roll over to the phone, gotta call 999 as I can feel myself slipping away.
I manage to croak my name and address to the operator then crawl to the front door and open it.
15 mins later an ambulance and 2 paramedics show up, take one look at me and I'm on a stretcher in the back having morphine pumped into me (yeah the real stuff), pain eases enough for me to talk and they whizz me to A&E, straight into theatre, more morphine and I pass out.
When I come to I've got 4 different drips in my arms and a catheter tube stuck up my willy.
Doc says to me another half hour and I'd have been dead.
Acute pancreatitis, fuck this thinks Dude.
Only cure is lots of intravenous liquids, so I lay on my back for 10 days having blood taken every four hours and what looks like a very complicated hydro set up coming out of my body. Had my first solid food yesterday and I managed to persuade them to let me home today so here I am.
I've never had a more painful and uncomfortable 10 days in my life and hope to never have it again.
Doc says no more booze for Dude, EVER, bummer man.
So the moral of this story is don't drink 3 bottles of wine a day for 10 years and expect to get away with it.
I'm as weak as a kitten right now.
All good things